"Creating Change, Not Blame: Why Men Must lead the Conversation on Gender Violence"

Photo by Edmond Dantès- Pexels

“Men will view this [‘not all men, yes all men’] as an accusation towards them and immediately switch off.”

A recent White Ribbon panel featuring Token Man's Daniele Fiandaca highlighted the need for men to take responsibility in creating a safer environment for women. However, he stressed that this cannot be achieved through accusatory language towards men, as that only fosters defensiveness and disengagement.

Fiandaca emphasised that change will come when men are encouraged to engage, not blamed for the issue. “The more men we get in this conversation, the more change we will make,” he said. The discussion highlighted that real progress can only happen when men are supported as allies, not viewed as the problem.

Sal Naseem, Assistant Director for Insight Policy & Strategy at Birmingham City Council, reinforced that productive discussions on gender violence require open, non-judgmental spaces, unlike social media, which amplifies anger and division.

“Men will view this [‘not all men, yes all men’] as an accusation towards them and immediately switch off,” he stated. Accusatory language risks disengaging men, making it harder to foster understanding; Instead, we must encourage conversations that invite participation.

To create a positive environment, Sal emphasised that men must listen, learn, and contribute to solutions, replacing shame with empathy and accountability.

Neil Poynter, Organisation and People Performance Specialist, also pointed out that real progress comes from operating from a place of personal responsibility, rather than shame. Only through understanding and allyship can we dismantle the systems that perpetuate gender violence.

The conversation is not about accusing men, but about creating a space where they can understand why women feel the way they do towards men.

Harriet Waley-Cohen, a Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion Facilitator, echoes this statement, saying how women’s safety concerns are not imagined; they stem from real-life experiences with male violence, harassment, and discrimination, increased by inadequate legal protections.

“The harsh reality is that women’s fear is not imagined-it’s grounded in lived experiences. This leads to a constant wariness.” She adds, “It's not an accusation saying every man is dangerous, it’s recognising women's lived experience.” 

Many women don’t feel safe, even in spaces meant to protect them, like the police or courts, due to the rising number of sexual crime accusations against officers. This lack of safety is why many women feel unsafe daily.

Harriet used the "Man vs. Bear" analogy to illustrate how many men lack awareness and empathy for women’s experiences. Men often become defensive when discussing women’s safety, dismissing concerns as irrational.

Fathers teach their daughters to be cautious of men, yet when women express similar fears, they’re told they’re overreacting. This contradiction comes from men’s reluctance to acknowledge women’s lived experiences.

A key moment on The Graham Norton Show with Saoirse Ronan highlighted the challenge of discussing gender violence. When Saoirse mentioned that “this is what women have to think about day to day,” the men on the show fell silent, rather than engaging.

While this silence was celebrated in the media, Fiandaca stressed that silencing men is counterproductive: “We can’t silence men because we need men to speak up... shame really came into play in this situation.” Silence blocks crucial conversations and prevents progress. For real change, men must be able to speak up openly, not be shamed or awkward.

While real change starts with men, women must stop using accusatory language that pushes them away. Rather than silencing men or using harmful hashtags that label all men as bad, we need an open dialogue about women’s experiences where men can understand their point of view. Only then can we shift mindsets and inspire meaningful change.